Friday, June 19, 2009
I don’t think Xuan has emotional etiquette in regards to her family. She has always been one to put me down for who I am, whether it be my taste in music, my web designs or artwork, my speech (or hearing), the way I handle my emotions, or how I approach the world with my emotion-based personality, everything! I’ve come to believe she doesn’t know what being a good sister (or family) is all about. Especially when she has this “need” to have authority over my life and expect me to be a certain type of person all the time. I can’t believe she would put me down for having my personality. I remember so many times, particularly last year in the fall, when she blew up on me for caring too much about what other people think. I didn’t think that was necessary. She also called me out a couple months ago about (paradoxically) not being emotionally intelligent enough when it comes to speaking to people using only emotions and not logic. It’s not fair at all, to criticize me for having a certain personality. And she will never get it. She hurt me so badly. She tells me I use poor choice in words. She cringes every time she hears me talk. Every time she sees me, she sees something she dislikes. This is all coming from her! That she’s come to realize we are such different people, she doesn’t care to have a relationship with me anymore. She told me all of this! That she doesn’t care to know what goes on in my life. That I make poor decisions and judgments. She doesn’t like how I use my choice of words, that it’s too narrow-minded. I live in a bubble and it influences how I see the world. I am too emotion-based. I have a poor mentality. And she doesn’t agree with anything I do, any decision I make, or wants to have anything to do with me.
THAT is harsh. No one ever deserves to hear those words. Especially when I try so hard to hold myself together so I can pick up the phone to call her up, to confide in her my pain and feelings, pour my heart out to her about how crushed I am that all of this is happening, between me and her, and between me and Anh, and what does she say to all of this? She isn’t the best person to talk to about all of this. This is simply an issue between me and Anh. She doesn’t want to get involved and she doesn’t want to solve people’s problems. She also can understand where Anh is coming from, why she gets frustrated with me because she feels the same way, Anh just reacts to it differently. And that that doesn’t mean she agrees with the way Anh is handling how she reacts to things, she just understands why. She also tells me to just accept what is going on, to not be so bothered by it, and to let it happen.
I don’t understand. Actually, I didn’t understand any of it until I talked to Dan. I gained a lot of insight talking to Dan last night. He was the only one that was willing to listen to me. The only one that is there for me through this big mess. The only one that can get to me. The only one that loves me for who I am.
To capture my fleeting insight before it fades away, what I gained from him clarified many many things. For one, he thinks that both Anh and Xuan had gotten used to having authority and dominance over my life. What is happening is I am finally growing up, gaining independence, making my own decisions in my life, leading my life the way I want to lead it, and they simply don’t have any control over me anymore. They are not happy with my decisions, because my decisions are not always in line with what they want me to do. I need to do what’s in my best interest. And not be such a people pleaser anymore. Even take choosing between ‘doing the right thing’ and ‘doing what’s right for me’ when it comes to my situation with Anh for example. Doing the right thing in that case would mean continue to be nice to her, despite her stepping all over me and hope that things will be smooth in the end. OR doing what’s best for me, which would be to stand up for myself, not let her take advantage of me, and NOT REACT to such ridiculous behavior and events. Therein lies the key insight that I gained last night. Do not REACT emotionally to all of this anymore. This whole situation might simply be very different if we took all the emotions involved away, the reactions, and stare at the raw problem itself. I don’t need to feel these things. I don’t need to be hurt by them. I need to see what’s deeper, and not react to what’s on the surface of it all. Because most likely, what’s on the surface is what triggers my emotions. Just do what is best for me, and don’t be so nice to her if she is so cold to you. In this situation, it is probably better to NOT react to it than to react to it. Therein lies expectations too. Don’t expect the world to be exactly how you want it to be. The world will disappoint you. You will only be disappointed when you expect so much. This world is not a perfect place, with perfect families, and perfect boyfriends, and perfect people. Learn to adjust to the world, and you will not be disappointed.
I’m learning so much, but I’m learning it all the hard way. What all of this means is that it wasn’t a bad thing for me to expect my family to love me unconditionally, but I have to learn to accept that it isn’t my fault that things are not perfect and dandy like I want it to be. Because that’s life. It’s taking me a long time to learn it. But I am learning it.
Anyways, my family will never be what I wished they were. But I am glad I am learning. From them, and even more so, from my boyfriend. He is the one that took the right approach. The most sensitive, caring, and kind approach to teaching me what I needed to know. I love him.
In the end, success is the best revenge.
Chi was here @ 3:05 PM
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It's time to be bold about who you really are.
© 2008. Chi Nguyen, all rights reserved
It's time to be bold about who you really are.
You should understand that being different is fantastic. In fact, rejoice in all those things that make you different. Ultimately, it’s not how you look or what group you’re in that will determine your success in the world. I think you can carve new territory, you can do something completely out of the box, and if it is an act of love and goodness, it will be completely embraced---as bizarre as that may seem.
If you have faith in your real self, you’ll suffer less. You won’t waste valuable time that could be spent on more important things. There’s no time to waste. It’s time to be bold about who you really are.
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Life is short.
Life comes with no guarantees, no time outs, no second chances, you just have to live life to the fullest. Laugh as much as you can, spend all your money, tell someone what they mean to you, tell someone off, speak out, dare to be different, dance in the pouring rain, hold someone's hand, comfort a friend, pig out, fall asleep watching the sun come up, stay up late, smile until your face hurts. Don't be afraid to take chances or fall in love and most of all, live in the moment because when you look back someday, knowing you have no regrets it's going to be what makes you smile.
Have a good day!
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Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate, but that we are powerful beyond measure.
© 2008. Chi Nguyen, all rights reserved