Wednesday, February 17, 2010
I know what you're going to say, that when I argue, I only argue for the exception. But that is what the nature of an argument is all about, pointing out the exceptions. This doesn't even really apply anyway, because I already know you know there are exceptions. What we have been arguing about is different from this anyway.
You may be trying to prove a point by talking about the ubiquity of it happening within the U.S. --and around the world, and even going as far as delving into WHY it's happening, to say that this, and the media, and much more is influencing these individual cases. And I CAN see how that is happening, I am not denying it one bit. But I stand firm on believing that there are numerous cases out there of men not liking an Asian female for these reasons, even though things such as physical appearance might influence attraction, which is completely normal. This is why I was frustrated to hear such as statement as "it is happening in the majority of cases" despite my knowledge of the ubiquity of it, if that makes any sense.
To reiterate, I want to get it straight that ---I am NOT standing up for the majority of the world. So don't put words in my mouth. I am not saying I have never been aware of it. This is frustrating for me because I don't know how many times I can tell you that I understand this concept, that I have seen it in my life before, for you to understand that it's not the same as agreeing with you on it's instances in cases.
Do you think I am not frustrated about this as well? I know I may not you, I am not an Asian male, or even a white male for this matter, but I am just as impacted and bothered by all of this, especially because I AM an Asian female. You are right, I HAVE experienced this first-hand, and I have been hurt by it, in different ways than you have, and have dealt with it firsthand as well to understand what this means to me. It's not soemthing that I am not proud of it. I am actually very ANGRY about it. And sad to look back and can see clearly that I fell in love with someone who dated me not for me, but for something else.
Bottom line is, you can call it naive or anything you'd like, but it's taking me time to see and believe that the majority is like this. I know you are basing this opinion based on your personal experiences, exposure, and accounts, and research. And I am right now acknowledging that. I simply can't change my mind over night based on YOUR experiences and accounts though. It is more clear to me now and recently BUT what is going on, again, it is NOT proof or evidence that it is happening with the relationships that I do see. This is frustrating for you, but this is frustrating for me too.
Frankly, I just want to be done with this as well. I do appreciate
you typing out all that you did though. I learned some things.
Chi was here @ 11:36 AM
[ ]
do things for myself.
figure things out myself. own your life.
don't let fear hold you back.
write the $365 check
deposit $70 + ashley's checks
sell ipod
download apps: picture adjusting app
download and watch the office (pam?) :)
re-reformat my laptop
- change boot priority
- delete partitions and recreate 20 GB vs 45 GB
- install windowx xp
- install drivers
- install firefox mozilla
- install norton suite
- transfer external hard drive files
- install itunes 9.0.2
- install adobe photoshop cs2
- install microsoft office 2003-2007
- install nero express
- install aim
- install picasa
- bookmark gmail, google, facebook, youtube, usbank, blogger, heinle dictionary, direct loans
-
Sunday, February 7, 2010
figure things out myself. own your life.
don't let fear hold you back.
write the $365 check
deposit $70 + ashley's checks
sell ipod
download apps: picture adjusting app
download and watch the office (pam?) :)
re-reformat my laptop
- change boot priority
- delete partitions and recreate 20 GB vs 45 GB
- install windowx xp
- install drivers
- install firefox mozilla
- install norton suite
- transfer external hard drive files
- install itunes 9.0.2
- install adobe photoshop cs2
- install microsoft office 2003-2007
- install nero express
- install aim
- install picasa
- bookmark gmail, google, facebook, youtube, usbank, blogger, heinle dictionary, direct loans
-
Chi was here @ 3:51 PM
[ ]
Conflicting things.
Once you tell me to get an education. Then you tell me to go get a job. uioljkhjjjuio;l hj
I'm done with this. God please give me strength.
My family doesn't know anything. They are so ignorant. They don't even know what the nursing profession is.
I just want to die.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Once you tell me to get an education. Then you tell me to go get a job. uioljkhjjjuio;l hj
I'm done with this. God please give me strength.
My family doesn't know anything. They are so ignorant. They don't even know what the nursing profession is.
I just want to die.
Chi was here @ 11:04 PM
[ ]
Babe,
I've become so depressed that I think I need to take time away from everything for a little while. This has nothing to do with you. I've been feeling so beaten down and discouraged from this entire job hunt, job search process that it's eating away at my soul. I don't know who I am anymore. And what I stand for. I don't have any motivation to move forward because I feel like I've tried so hard. It's just not working...
I just wish I knew what career and occupation was right for me, and then move forward from there. At this point, I feel so behind and so lost that I can't even focus my energy on a relationship. I hope you understand where I am coming from. This is all very hard for me. And I want you to be happy. I don't want you to be unhappy seeing your girlfriend like this. I need time away. Whatever I do. I would only want to be in a relationship where I can make my boyfriend proud, and happy. I don't feel that I can do that if I am constantly lost, and am dragging you down. I don't want to be the person that complains day in and day out. Or bring stress into the relationship. What I need right now is space so I can figure things out.
I need space, time, and self-reflection.
I've become so depressed that I think I need to take time away from everything for a little while. This has nothing to do with you. I've been feeling so beaten down and discouraged from this entire job hunt, job search process that it's eating away at my soul. I don't know who I am anymore. And what I stand for. I don't have any motivation to move forward because I feel like I've tried so hard. It's just not working...
I just wish I knew what career and occupation was right for me, and then move forward from there. At this point, I feel so behind and so lost that I can't even focus my energy on a relationship. I hope you understand where I am coming from. This is all very hard for me. And I want you to be happy. I don't want you to be unhappy seeing your girlfriend like this. I need time away. Whatever I do. I would only want to be in a relationship where I can make my boyfriend proud, and happy. I don't feel that I can do that if I am constantly lost, and am dragging you down. I don't want to be the person that complains day in and day out. Or bring stress into the relationship. What I need right now is space so I can figure things out.
I need space, time, and self-reflection.
Chi was here @ 10:05 PM
[ ]
Happy New Year!!! 2010!!!
Friday, January 1, 2010
Chi was here @ 1:18 PM
[ ]
Dan and I reached some sort of 'break' in our relationship yesterday when we, or should I say, I, delved into the deeper issues we've been facing in our relationship lately. I had always wanted to talk to him about these things, but for some reason, it's always been so difficult for him to understand them, and so as a consequence, I feel like we've always only been able to deal with them in spurts, as well as only been able to touch the surface of the subject-matter and not explicate the situation.
I've definitely been the one who has compromised more than he has in this relationship. I am more unhappy in the relationship than he is. How can I be happy if I feel like he doesn't truly understand me? Which limits my potential to be who I really am in this relationship. Even when it comes to the little things, such as what nicknames we use with each other, I just feel like it's been a very slowly progressing relationship, in regards to understanding who I am as a person. I was appalled to hear him say such things as thinking it is okay and normal that it is a slowly progressing relationship. That to him, it is fine, we are moving along this slowly. After 1 and a half years, he should be fine with me feeling like he still doesn't truly understand me? I was absolutely appalled that he would say that the difference he sees between me and him is that he doesn't think couples (between me and him) need to fully understand each other in order for a relationship to work. That it could work without that component?! Wth? How can a relationship work without first understanding each other? How can there be trust without understanding? How can there be any compromises without understanding?? I am so fed up with him. He proved to me yesterday on the phone that he doesn't truly love me. Our phone conversation ended in my confrontation of "how can you love me if you don't understand me?"...
There was complete silence for a good 7 seconds. I couldn't believe what had come out of my mouth. He couldn't answer something that confrontational. Things got very awkward and I chimed in an apology. He said that he "probably needs to go". and so he did. I was left with utter disappointment.
It's the truth. I've never felt like he truly loved me for who I was. I think part of the reason why I don't love him myself is because of this equation. We are both lacking passion in the relationship. There can be no romance when there is not even passion. All this time, I've been longing for romance out of him. For him to take the lead and sweep me off my feet. What I end up feeling is like we are more just best friends than lovers. We don't do things that typical lovers do. He doesn't take me out to new places, to eat, he doesn't treat me like his princess. He is merely just a shoulder to cry on. He doesn't inspire me in ways that I have been inspired by other men. He doesn't understand me enough to know what my emotional needs are.
I'm not happy with the way things are between us when we are in public. When we are in group settings. It's disheartening that he can't show me even an ounce of affection every time we are together as a couple in public. It's so bad that people who don't know us would never know we are together if they were to see us. We don't even make eye contact!! He doesn't truly love me. If he did, he would try to make things work after all our arguments. Heck, he would LEARN from them. But he never does. I've changed him quite a lot already. But it's still a huge work in progress. I'm sick of working on this relationship to make it work. It simply doesn't work. Why am I forcing it? We are two completely different people. I don't think we are compatible. We are simply two people who care about each other. And that's it.
He's so fucken stubborn. And passive aggressive. I can't deal with that.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
I've definitely been the one who has compromised more than he has in this relationship. I am more unhappy in the relationship than he is. How can I be happy if I feel like he doesn't truly understand me? Which limits my potential to be who I really am in this relationship. Even when it comes to the little things, such as what nicknames we use with each other, I just feel like it's been a very slowly progressing relationship, in regards to understanding who I am as a person. I was appalled to hear him say such things as thinking it is okay and normal that it is a slowly progressing relationship. That to him, it is fine, we are moving along this slowly. After 1 and a half years, he should be fine with me feeling like he still doesn't truly understand me? I was absolutely appalled that he would say that the difference he sees between me and him is that he doesn't think couples (between me and him) need to fully understand each other in order for a relationship to work. That it could work without that component?! Wth? How can a relationship work without first understanding each other? How can there be trust without understanding? How can there be any compromises without understanding?? I am so fed up with him. He proved to me yesterday on the phone that he doesn't truly love me. Our phone conversation ended in my confrontation of "how can you love me if you don't understand me?"...
There was complete silence for a good 7 seconds. I couldn't believe what had come out of my mouth. He couldn't answer something that confrontational. Things got very awkward and I chimed in an apology. He said that he "probably needs to go". and so he did. I was left with utter disappointment.
It's the truth. I've never felt like he truly loved me for who I was. I think part of the reason why I don't love him myself is because of this equation. We are both lacking passion in the relationship. There can be no romance when there is not even passion. All this time, I've been longing for romance out of him. For him to take the lead and sweep me off my feet. What I end up feeling is like we are more just best friends than lovers. We don't do things that typical lovers do. He doesn't take me out to new places, to eat, he doesn't treat me like his princess. He is merely just a shoulder to cry on. He doesn't inspire me in ways that I have been inspired by other men. He doesn't understand me enough to know what my emotional needs are.
I'm not happy with the way things are between us when we are in public. When we are in group settings. It's disheartening that he can't show me even an ounce of affection every time we are together as a couple in public. It's so bad that people who don't know us would never know we are together if they were to see us. We don't even make eye contact!! He doesn't truly love me. If he did, he would try to make things work after all our arguments. Heck, he would LEARN from them. But he never does. I've changed him quite a lot already. But it's still a huge work in progress. I'm sick of working on this relationship to make it work. It simply doesn't work. Why am I forcing it? We are two completely different people. I don't think we are compatible. We are simply two people who care about each other. And that's it.
He's so fucken stubborn. And passive aggressive. I can't deal with that.
Chi was here @ 8:25 AM
[ ]
Throughout life people will make you mad. Disrespect you and treat you bad. Let God deal with the things they do. Cause hate in your heart will consume you too."
I don’t think Xuan has emotional etiquette in regards to her family. She has always been one to put me down for who I am, whether it be my taste in music, my web designs or artwork, my speech (or hearing), the way I handle my emotions, or how I approach the world with my emotion-based personality, everything! I’ve come to believe she doesn’t know what being a good sister (or family) is all about. Especially when she has this “need” to have authority over my life and expect me to be a certain type of person all the time. I can’t believe she would put me down for having my personality. I remember so many times, particularly last year in the fall, when she blew up on me for caring too much about what other people think. I didn’t think that was necessary. She also called me out a couple months ago about (paradoxically) not being emotionally intelligent enough when it comes to speaking to people using only emotions and not logic. It’s not fair at all, to criticize me for having a certain personality. And she will never get it. She hurt me so badly. She tells me I use poor choice in words. She cringes every time she hears me talk. Every time she sees me, she sees something she dislikes. This is all coming from her! That she’s come to realize we are such different people, she doesn’t care to have a relationship with me anymore. She told me all of this! That she doesn’t care to know what goes on in my life. That I make poor decisions and judgments. She doesn’t like how I use my choice of words, that it’s too narrow-minded. I live in a bubble and it influences how I see the world. I am too emotion-based. I have a poor mentality. And she doesn’t agree with anything I do, any decision I make, or wants to have anything to do with me.
THAT is harsh. No one ever deserves to hear those words. Especially when I try so hard to hold myself together so I can pick up the phone to call her up, to confide in her my pain and feelings, pour my heart out to her about how crushed I am that all of this is happening, between me and her, and between me and Anh, and what does she say to all of this? She isn’t the best person to talk to about all of this. This is simply an issue between me and Anh. She doesn’t want to get involved and she doesn’t want to solve people’s problems. She also can understand where Anh is coming from, why she gets frustrated with me because she feels the same way, Anh just reacts to it differently. And that that doesn’t mean she agrees with the way Anh is handling how she reacts to things, she just understands why. She also tells me to just accept what is going on, to not be so bothered by it, and to let it happen.
I don’t understand. Actually, I didn’t understand any of it until I talked to Dan. I gained a lot of insight talking to Dan last night. He was the only one that was willing to listen to me. The only one that is there for me through this big mess. The only one that can get to me. The only one that loves me for who I am.
To capture my fleeting insight before it fades away, what I gained from him clarified many many things. For one, he thinks that both Anh and Xuan had gotten used to having authority and dominance over my life. What is happening is I am finally growing up, gaining independence, making my own decisions in my life, leading my life the way I want to lead it, and they simply don’t have any control over me anymore. They are not happy with my decisions, because my decisions are not always in line with what they want me to do. I need to do what’s in my best interest. And not be such a people pleaser anymore. Even take choosing between ‘doing the right thing’ and ‘doing what’s right for me’ when it comes to my situation with Anh for example. Doing the right thing in that case would mean continue to be nice to her, despite her stepping all over me and hope that things will be smooth in the end. OR doing what’s best for me, which would be to stand up for myself, not let her take advantage of me, and NOT REACT to such ridiculous behavior and events. Therein lies the key insight that I gained last night. Do not REACT emotionally to all of this anymore. This whole situation might simply be very different if we took all the emotions involved away, the reactions, and stare at the raw problem itself. I don’t need to feel these things. I don’t need to be hurt by them. I need to see what’s deeper, and not react to what’s on the surface of it all. Because most likely, what’s on the surface is what triggers my emotions. Just do what is best for me, and don’t be so nice to her if she is so cold to you. In this situation, it is probably better to NOT react to it than to react to it. Therein lies expectations too. Don’t expect the world to be exactly how you want it to be. The world will disappoint you. You will only be disappointed when you expect so much. This world is not a perfect place, with perfect families, and perfect boyfriends, and perfect people. Learn to adjust to the world, and you will not be disappointed.
I’m learning so much, but I’m learning it all the hard way. What all of this means is that it wasn’t a bad thing for me to expect my family to love me unconditionally, but I have to learn to accept that it isn’t my fault that things are not perfect and dandy like I want it to be. Because that’s life. It’s taking me a long time to learn it. But I am learning it.
Anyways, my family will never be what I wished they were. But I am glad I am learning. From them, and even more so, from my boyfriend. He is the one that took the right approach. The most sensitive, caring, and kind approach to teaching me what I needed to know. I love him.
In the end, success is the best revenge.
Friday, June 19, 2009
I don’t think Xuan has emotional etiquette in regards to her family. She has always been one to put me down for who I am, whether it be my taste in music, my web designs or artwork, my speech (or hearing), the way I handle my emotions, or how I approach the world with my emotion-based personality, everything! I’ve come to believe she doesn’t know what being a good sister (or family) is all about. Especially when she has this “need” to have authority over my life and expect me to be a certain type of person all the time. I can’t believe she would put me down for having my personality. I remember so many times, particularly last year in the fall, when she blew up on me for caring too much about what other people think. I didn’t think that was necessary. She also called me out a couple months ago about (paradoxically) not being emotionally intelligent enough when it comes to speaking to people using only emotions and not logic. It’s not fair at all, to criticize me for having a certain personality. And she will never get it. She hurt me so badly. She tells me I use poor choice in words. She cringes every time she hears me talk. Every time she sees me, she sees something she dislikes. This is all coming from her! That she’s come to realize we are such different people, she doesn’t care to have a relationship with me anymore. She told me all of this! That she doesn’t care to know what goes on in my life. That I make poor decisions and judgments. She doesn’t like how I use my choice of words, that it’s too narrow-minded. I live in a bubble and it influences how I see the world. I am too emotion-based. I have a poor mentality. And she doesn’t agree with anything I do, any decision I make, or wants to have anything to do with me.
THAT is harsh. No one ever deserves to hear those words. Especially when I try so hard to hold myself together so I can pick up the phone to call her up, to confide in her my pain and feelings, pour my heart out to her about how crushed I am that all of this is happening, between me and her, and between me and Anh, and what does she say to all of this? She isn’t the best person to talk to about all of this. This is simply an issue between me and Anh. She doesn’t want to get involved and she doesn’t want to solve people’s problems. She also can understand where Anh is coming from, why she gets frustrated with me because she feels the same way, Anh just reacts to it differently. And that that doesn’t mean she agrees with the way Anh is handling how she reacts to things, she just understands why. She also tells me to just accept what is going on, to not be so bothered by it, and to let it happen.
I don’t understand. Actually, I didn’t understand any of it until I talked to Dan. I gained a lot of insight talking to Dan last night. He was the only one that was willing to listen to me. The only one that is there for me through this big mess. The only one that can get to me. The only one that loves me for who I am.
To capture my fleeting insight before it fades away, what I gained from him clarified many many things. For one, he thinks that both Anh and Xuan had gotten used to having authority and dominance over my life. What is happening is I am finally growing up, gaining independence, making my own decisions in my life, leading my life the way I want to lead it, and they simply don’t have any control over me anymore. They are not happy with my decisions, because my decisions are not always in line with what they want me to do. I need to do what’s in my best interest. And not be such a people pleaser anymore. Even take choosing between ‘doing the right thing’ and ‘doing what’s right for me’ when it comes to my situation with Anh for example. Doing the right thing in that case would mean continue to be nice to her, despite her stepping all over me and hope that things will be smooth in the end. OR doing what’s best for me, which would be to stand up for myself, not let her take advantage of me, and NOT REACT to such ridiculous behavior and events. Therein lies the key insight that I gained last night. Do not REACT emotionally to all of this anymore. This whole situation might simply be very different if we took all the emotions involved away, the reactions, and stare at the raw problem itself. I don’t need to feel these things. I don’t need to be hurt by them. I need to see what’s deeper, and not react to what’s on the surface of it all. Because most likely, what’s on the surface is what triggers my emotions. Just do what is best for me, and don’t be so nice to her if she is so cold to you. In this situation, it is probably better to NOT react to it than to react to it. Therein lies expectations too. Don’t expect the world to be exactly how you want it to be. The world will disappoint you. You will only be disappointed when you expect so much. This world is not a perfect place, with perfect families, and perfect boyfriends, and perfect people. Learn to adjust to the world, and you will not be disappointed.
I’m learning so much, but I’m learning it all the hard way. What all of this means is that it wasn’t a bad thing for me to expect my family to love me unconditionally, but I have to learn to accept that it isn’t my fault that things are not perfect and dandy like I want it to be. Because that’s life. It’s taking me a long time to learn it. But I am learning it.
Anyways, my family will never be what I wished they were. But I am glad I am learning. From them, and even more so, from my boyfriend. He is the one that took the right approach. The most sensitive, caring, and kind approach to teaching me what I needed to know. I love him.
In the end, success is the best revenge.
Chi was here @ 3:05 PM
[ ]
More than anything right now, I'd like to get out there and discover who I am -- by LIVING. Instead of "living" through a figment of my imagination. Step out of my comfort zone... make mistakes, fall and dust myself right off. Just have fun while I am still young. And love myself, right? And sometimes I will fall flat on my face, but that is what life is all about, having the resilience to dust myself off and stand right back up again, no matter how hard or painful. Life waits for no one.
If I could have my ideal boyfriend, he would be like Justin F. Do I worry too much about what people think? Why didn't I date Justin? Was it because I was afraid of what people (like Jesse and Lyly) might think of me? When you are compatible with someone, sometimes, you just know. We only had one date, but he reminded me so much of Jeremy. But he was different of course. I've realized that I am very attracted to guys/men who are not only articulate with their words, but also succint and poetic. That is my biggest turn-on. Someone who is well-versed. Who can be romantic and sensual using the English language. It is such a turn-on to be intelligent. And that is what Jeremy, Jesse (and Justin) was.
Do I worry too much about what others think? Dan brought it up yesterday in our argument and I couldn't have agreed more. I mean, it affects every single aspect of my life, from choosing my career, to who I date, to my social network, to being myself... I need to get a grip of myself and "not hold back" anymore, as Florence had put it.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
If I could have my ideal boyfriend, he would be like Justin F. Do I worry too much about what people think? Why didn't I date Justin? Was it because I was afraid of what people (like Jesse and Lyly) might think of me? When you are compatible with someone, sometimes, you just know. We only had one date, but he reminded me so much of Jeremy. But he was different of course. I've realized that I am very attracted to guys/men who are not only articulate with their words, but also succint and poetic. That is my biggest turn-on. Someone who is well-versed. Who can be romantic and sensual using the English language. It is such a turn-on to be intelligent. And that is what Jeremy, Jesse (and Justin) was.
Do I worry too much about what others think? Dan brought it up yesterday in our argument and I couldn't have agreed more. I mean, it affects every single aspect of my life, from choosing my career, to who I date, to my social network, to being myself... I need to get a grip of myself and "not hold back" anymore, as Florence had put it.
Chi was here @ 11:25 AM
[ ]
I want to see Year One, the movie when it comes out. It looks hilarious.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Chi was here @ 10:10 AM
[ ]
I want to:
- improve my posture
- drink milk to build strong bones before it's too late
- brush my teeth every morning and night
- eliminate pop and sugared drinks from my diet
- eat breakfast
- read or watch the news daily
- be informed about issues and what goes on around the world
-
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
- improve my posture
- drink milk to build strong bones before it's too late
- brush my teeth every morning and night
- eliminate pop and sugared drinks from my diet
- eat breakfast
- read or watch the news daily
- be informed about issues and what goes on around the world
-
Chi was here @ 2:55 PM
[ ]
I love how music speaks to your emotions. I love how when simple language fails to express the very essence of what you are experiencing, or are feeling, music picks right up where language can't. The song I would choose to depict my circumstances at this very moment right now is One Republic's Stop and Stare:
This town is colder now, I think it's sick of us
It's time to make a move, I'm shaking off the rust
I've got my heart set on anywhere but here
I'm staring down myself, counting up the years
Steady hands, just take the wheel
And every glance is killing me
Time to make one last appeal
For the life I lead
Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah, I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, ohhh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here, not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, can you see what I see
They're trying to come back, all my senses push
Untie the weight bags, I never thought I could
Steady feet, don't fail me now
I'm a-run till you can't walk
But something pulls my focus out
And I'm standing down
Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah, I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here, not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah, I know that everyone gets scared
I've become what I can't be
Oh, do you see what I see
This town is colder now, I think it's sick of us
It's time to make a move, I'm shaking off the rust
I've got my heart set on anywhere but here
I'm staring down myself, counting up the years
Steady hands, just take the wheel
And every glance is killing me
Time to make one last appeal
For the life I lead
Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah, I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, ohhh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here, not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, can you see what I see
They're trying to come back, all my senses push
Untie the weight bags, I never thought I could
Steady feet, don't fail me now
I'm a-run till you can't walk
But something pulls my focus out
And I'm standing down
Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah, I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here, not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah, I know that everyone gets scared
I've become what I can't be
Oh, do you see what I see
Chi was here @ 2:27 PM
[ ]
Keep moving forward.
That's what I'm supposed to do in the face of adversity. If I keep moving forward, I won't have time to dwell on the negative thoughts and I will be more likely to be in a different place by the time I do have time to look back to reflect. It's hard to keep moving forward though, when everything in my life is pretty much a disappointment. I need to remember, however, that I am still very blessed to be living the life that I am now. Things could be so much worse. I should be grateful for what I have -- instead of dwelling on the negatives, BE GRATEFUL. Some people have it so much worse. How could I forget so easily? I have seen so many bad sides of life. I have been working with people with disabilities, those who were 'unfortunate' to be born with a mental illness and to live with it all their life. Just recently, I worked with a young man named Andy, at Magnolia, who said something that kind of struck a chord in me. He told me that he lives to find the silver lining in his life every day with the condition that he has.
Kevin, Dan's 32-year old cousin, just recently welcomed a new baby boy into the family. His baby however has a mental illness, possibly mental retardation. It is so tragic, and so sad to hear such news. Kevin and his wife, and his familys' lives are all forever changed because of this stroke of misfortune. My condolences go out to them.
And so as I am typing this up, I had meant to vent about all my emotional thoughts I had been having throughout the day, but suddenly it is so easy to let those negative feelings of disappointments, anger, resentment, and loneliness go. To solve the problem, I have to look at things from a more positive perspective: that is, to remember that things could be much worse than they are now. That I am so blessed to be given these circumstances, these opportunities to grow from. Without them, I would not be the enlightened hardworking woman that I am right now. Every event in my life has added to my molding as a person. And that there are people out there who have it much worse than you, therefore, you should be grateful for what you have, and not complain.
I've been dealt my fair share of difficulties in my life. But through it all, I have learned valuable lessons along the way, and I definitely, would NOT be the person that I am today had it not been for these difficult experiences in my life. What I want to do is reflect on the major difficult experiences I've had in my life, maybe not even just the difficult ones, the casual ones too, and reflect on what I have learned or gained out of each and every single one experience. There is a lot to learn from your past experiences, mistakes, and it is important to define how each event in your life had helped mold you or enlightened you.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
That's what I'm supposed to do in the face of adversity. If I keep moving forward, I won't have time to dwell on the negative thoughts and I will be more likely to be in a different place by the time I do have time to look back to reflect. It's hard to keep moving forward though, when everything in my life is pretty much a disappointment. I need to remember, however, that I am still very blessed to be living the life that I am now. Things could be so much worse. I should be grateful for what I have -- instead of dwelling on the negatives, BE GRATEFUL. Some people have it so much worse. How could I forget so easily? I have seen so many bad sides of life. I have been working with people with disabilities, those who were 'unfortunate' to be born with a mental illness and to live with it all their life. Just recently, I worked with a young man named Andy, at Magnolia, who said something that kind of struck a chord in me. He told me that he lives to find the silver lining in his life every day with the condition that he has.
Kevin, Dan's 32-year old cousin, just recently welcomed a new baby boy into the family. His baby however has a mental illness, possibly mental retardation. It is so tragic, and so sad to hear such news. Kevin and his wife, and his familys' lives are all forever changed because of this stroke of misfortune. My condolences go out to them.
And so as I am typing this up, I had meant to vent about all my emotional thoughts I had been having throughout the day, but suddenly it is so easy to let those negative feelings of disappointments, anger, resentment, and loneliness go. To solve the problem, I have to look at things from a more positive perspective: that is, to remember that things could be much worse than they are now. That I am so blessed to be given these circumstances, these opportunities to grow from. Without them, I would not be the enlightened hardworking woman that I am right now. Every event in my life has added to my molding as a person. And that there are people out there who have it much worse than you, therefore, you should be grateful for what you have, and not complain.
I've been dealt my fair share of difficulties in my life. But through it all, I have learned valuable lessons along the way, and I definitely, would NOT be the person that I am today had it not been for these difficult experiences in my life. What I want to do is reflect on the major difficult experiences I've had in my life, maybe not even just the difficult ones, the casual ones too, and reflect on what I have learned or gained out of each and every single one experience. There is a lot to learn from your past experiences, mistakes, and it is important to define how each event in your life had helped mold you or enlightened you.
Chi was here @ 8:04 PM
[ ]
When I raise my child in the future, I will make sure I...
- encourage them to take risks
- encourage them to read a lot
- stimulate their minds early
- expose them to a vast array of experiences at a young age
- encourage them to talk to a lot of different people, build a huge social network
- don't nag
- positive reinforcements
- run a routine schedule with them
- make sure they habituate trying things
- don't let them be too picky
- encourage good manners
- honesty
- hug them after disciplining them
-
Thursday, May 7, 2009
- encourage them to take risks
- encourage them to read a lot
- stimulate their minds early
- expose them to a vast array of experiences at a young age
- encourage them to talk to a lot of different people, build a huge social network
- don't nag
- positive reinforcements
- run a routine schedule with them
- make sure they habituate trying things
- don't let them be too picky
- encourage good manners
- honesty
- hug them after disciplining them
-
Chi was here @ 7:26 PM
[ ]
I found this on xanga:
Thursday, April 30, 2009
*
I Forgive You Mom
I forgive you although you’ve never asked for my forgiveness.
I forgive you for cheating on dad and leaving him hurt. I forgive you for all the men you brought in and out of my life that were only using you. I forgive you for leaving me alone for days to take care of my newborn twin siblings when I was still too young to even take care of myself. I forgive you for never being able to sustain us because you were spending money to support your drug habit and your alcoholic boyfriends. I forgive you for allowing a man to use me. I forgive you for never being there for me when I cried myself to sleep. I forgive you for never showing me what a mother or wife is supposed to be. I forgive you for making it harder for me to trust people. I forgive you for all the times you told me you were going to change but didn’t. I forgive you for all of your broken promises. I forgive you that even to this day you don’t really care about me. I forgive you for causing me to wonder if you even love me. While this merely touches the surface of the things I have to forgive you for, I forgive you for everything.
Not only do I forgive you, but I thank you. I thank you because of all the things I have had to forgive you for, those are the very things that have made me the woman I am today. The pain you have brought me in my life has made me stronger and more independent. The struggles have made me wiser. It has made me realize the woman I want to be for myself, my future husband, and my future children. I also thank you for helping create the inscribable bond I now have with my brother and sister. I thank you for showing me that any obstacle I encounter can be overcame. Thank you for showing me that in the midst of sorrows I can find joy. Know that I will never be a woman like you because every single day, I will strive to be everything you never were.
I forgive you. I thank you. I still love you.
*This was difficult*
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Thursday, April 30, 2009
*
I Forgive You Mom
I forgive you although you’ve never asked for my forgiveness.
I forgive you for cheating on dad and leaving him hurt. I forgive you for all the men you brought in and out of my life that were only using you. I forgive you for leaving me alone for days to take care of my newborn twin siblings when I was still too young to even take care of myself. I forgive you for never being able to sustain us because you were spending money to support your drug habit and your alcoholic boyfriends. I forgive you for allowing a man to use me. I forgive you for never being there for me when I cried myself to sleep. I forgive you for never showing me what a mother or wife is supposed to be. I forgive you for making it harder for me to trust people. I forgive you for all the times you told me you were going to change but didn’t. I forgive you for all of your broken promises. I forgive you that even to this day you don’t really care about me. I forgive you for causing me to wonder if you even love me. While this merely touches the surface of the things I have to forgive you for, I forgive you for everything.
Not only do I forgive you, but I thank you. I thank you because of all the things I have had to forgive you for, those are the very things that have made me the woman I am today. The pain you have brought me in my life has made me stronger and more independent. The struggles have made me wiser. It has made me realize the woman I want to be for myself, my future husband, and my future children. I also thank you for helping create the inscribable bond I now have with my brother and sister. I thank you for showing me that any obstacle I encounter can be overcame. Thank you for showing me that in the midst of sorrows I can find joy. Know that I will never be a woman like you because every single day, I will strive to be everything you never were.
I forgive you. I thank you. I still love you.
*This was difficult*
Chi was here @ 10:55 PM
[ ]
I got mad at Dan yesterday because he wasn't being sensitive enough to me.
"I hope you are okay.. I just read you status :("
"I see the way you see things.. Except opposite. I do see where you are coming from that's how I am able to equally express my side of it. I feel like.. Just because its not your way you will downplay it and put the blame on me because of how I acted. I acted because how you acted.. I don't think that means I am insensitive. I am sensitive to your other needs and doesn't that count more? Just because I didn't see it you way this time.. I think its unfair for you to say that I don't understand you. I know I don't understand you like Xuan... But I do understand you better than any guy out there ever will. However though, I do hope you forgive me.. I know I can tease.. But it only means well and I want to make you laugh.. I'm not trying to get under your skin." - Dan's text
I don't agree that he understands me better than any guy out there ever will. Is this what he truly thinks and believes? He's got it all wrong. In my eyes, he is actually the opposite. I feel like Jeremy (and maybe Jesse) understood me way better than Dan ever will. Dan doesn't even try. Or maybe he does, but ironically, he is not even close to understanding the person that I am. If he truly understood me, simply, he would not be so damn stubborn. He wouldn't be even doing any of these things that get under my skin in the first place! You can think that I may have no sense of humor but that is not true at all. It's about wanting a boyfriend with maturity. Not someone who will always be goofy. There is a difference. There is a time and place for everything. But sadly, Dan doesn't understand that concept. And when we argue about these things, he thinks we are blowing it out of proportions. The truth of the matter is, it matters to me how my boyfriend is like. Heck, any girl would care about these things. All I am asking is for Dan to be more sensitive to my needs, and to try to understand that I am not joking all the time, is that so much to ask for?
Why has this intolerance been building up? I've been disappointed at different points throughout our relationship, but I don't always voice it of course. These are things that I EXPECT him to know, being a boyfriend, not everything should be spoonfed to you. I made the mistake of expecting him to know these simple boyfriend rules, I guess he doesn't because he is so stubborn and immature sometimes.
For example, I was disappointed yesterday at Wendy's when I fought to pay for myself, and he agreed to. When we got back to his apt, he turned on the AC despite knowing that I had been cold all day! The problem with Dan is that he doesn't read signs clearly at all. I'm not going to sit here and tell him everything he needs to know. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that you should be sensitive to your girlfriend's needs and there are certain expectations that he needs to meet up to, such as being a gentleman and not letting your girlfriend pay.
He's just done too many things to show me he doesn't care enough. Not working on working out to lose those extra pounds, not acquiesing to my requests of him dressing without his pants hanging low, not being sensitive enough to acquiese to my clear signs of disappointments. Maybe I need to know more psychology than I thought I did. Or maybe not. He's just difficult and stubborn. No wonder he's had such a hard time trying to find a girlfriend.
"I hope you are okay.. I just read you status :("
"I see the way you see things.. Except opposite. I do see where you are coming from that's how I am able to equally express my side of it. I feel like.. Just because its not your way you will downplay it and put the blame on me because of how I acted. I acted because how you acted.. I don't think that means I am insensitive. I am sensitive to your other needs and doesn't that count more? Just because I didn't see it you way this time.. I think its unfair for you to say that I don't understand you. I know I don't understand you like Xuan... But I do understand you better than any guy out there ever will. However though, I do hope you forgive me.. I know I can tease.. But it only means well and I want to make you laugh.. I'm not trying to get under your skin." - Dan's text
I don't agree that he understands me better than any guy out there ever will. Is this what he truly thinks and believes? He's got it all wrong. In my eyes, he is actually the opposite. I feel like Jeremy (and maybe Jesse) understood me way better than Dan ever will. Dan doesn't even try. Or maybe he does, but ironically, he is not even close to understanding the person that I am. If he truly understood me, simply, he would not be so damn stubborn. He wouldn't be even doing any of these things that get under my skin in the first place! You can think that I may have no sense of humor but that is not true at all. It's about wanting a boyfriend with maturity. Not someone who will always be goofy. There is a difference. There is a time and place for everything. But sadly, Dan doesn't understand that concept. And when we argue about these things, he thinks we are blowing it out of proportions. The truth of the matter is, it matters to me how my boyfriend is like. Heck, any girl would care about these things. All I am asking is for Dan to be more sensitive to my needs, and to try to understand that I am not joking all the time, is that so much to ask for?
Why has this intolerance been building up? I've been disappointed at different points throughout our relationship, but I don't always voice it of course. These are things that I EXPECT him to know, being a boyfriend, not everything should be spoonfed to you. I made the mistake of expecting him to know these simple boyfriend rules, I guess he doesn't because he is so stubborn and immature sometimes.
For example, I was disappointed yesterday at Wendy's when I fought to pay for myself, and he agreed to. When we got back to his apt, he turned on the AC despite knowing that I had been cold all day! The problem with Dan is that he doesn't read signs clearly at all. I'm not going to sit here and tell him everything he needs to know. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that you should be sensitive to your girlfriend's needs and there are certain expectations that he needs to meet up to, such as being a gentleman and not letting your girlfriend pay.
He's just done too many things to show me he doesn't care enough. Not working on working out to lose those extra pounds, not acquiesing to my requests of him dressing without his pants hanging low, not being sensitive enough to acquiese to my clear signs of disappointments. Maybe I need to know more psychology than I thought I did. Or maybe not. He's just difficult and stubborn. No wonder he's had such a hard time trying to find a girlfriend.
Chi was here @ 11:16 AM
[ ]
I learned how to administer meds through a g-tube today. I passed meds to two residents through the g-tube. I feel a sense of accomplishment today. I am finally g-tube certified!
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Chi was here @ 7:09 PM
[ ]
If you could describe me in one word, what would it be? If you could describe me in more words, what would you say? Who do you see when you look at me? What have I been to you? What kind of soul do I exhibit? What potential do you see in me?
It's time for soul searching. It's time to delve deep into my inner essence and grab a hold of who I really am. I need to stop being afraid of choosing the path that is calling to me? I don't need to depend on anyone. And I most definitely do not need to make anyone happy but myself. Do it for yourself. You can do it. Delve deep and search for yourself. It's about damn time to be bold about who you really are.
Most people, when they know they are going down the wrong route, such as college for example, already know what they long to do. They already know what their passion is. The problem for me is I don't know what my passion is. I don't have something I can say I am extremely good at. And it's killing me inside. Everything has been so wrong. I have the determination. But no direction.
Wherein lies my problem right now. I chose to explore nursing, believing that it was finally the right choice for me. I finally had a direction. A possible career to pursue and to dream big about. As soon as I chose nursing, I did as much as I could to start exploring it, getting field experience in it, being fully determined that I would not give up no matter what obstacles I face. It's been two months since I've started all of this. And it has been two long grueling months of struggling to be happy with the "nursing assisting" jobs that I am holding currently. I never thought I would end up this way. Maybe nursing isn't for me after all. But it is so disappointing to come to this realization. It is so disappointing to waste time.
I tried so hard too. I tried so hard to be positive about it. And to not give up. Which is why I am in so much denial that nursing might not be right for me. It's wonderful that I am not easily giving up, but it's important to know when to stop when it is not right for me. So is it what I want to pursue? By quitting these two jobs right now, I would be declaring that I am no longer pursuing nursing. And I am just not ready to do that. I am not ready to declare that nursing isn't right for me? Until I find another path? Another goal?
Sunday, April 12, 2009
It's time for soul searching. It's time to delve deep into my inner essence and grab a hold of who I really am. I need to stop being afraid of choosing the path that is calling to me? I don't need to depend on anyone. And I most definitely do not need to make anyone happy but myself. Do it for yourself. You can do it. Delve deep and search for yourself. It's about damn time to be bold about who you really are.
Most people, when they know they are going down the wrong route, such as college for example, already know what they long to do. They already know what their passion is. The problem for me is I don't know what my passion is. I don't have something I can say I am extremely good at. And it's killing me inside. Everything has been so wrong. I have the determination. But no direction.
Wherein lies my problem right now. I chose to explore nursing, believing that it was finally the right choice for me. I finally had a direction. A possible career to pursue and to dream big about. As soon as I chose nursing, I did as much as I could to start exploring it, getting field experience in it, being fully determined that I would not give up no matter what obstacles I face. It's been two months since I've started all of this. And it has been two long grueling months of struggling to be happy with the "nursing assisting" jobs that I am holding currently. I never thought I would end up this way. Maybe nursing isn't for me after all. But it is so disappointing to come to this realization. It is so disappointing to waste time.
I tried so hard too. I tried so hard to be positive about it. And to not give up. Which is why I am in so much denial that nursing might not be right for me. It's wonderful that I am not easily giving up, but it's important to know when to stop when it is not right for me. So is it what I want to pursue? By quitting these two jobs right now, I would be declaring that I am no longer pursuing nursing. And I am just not ready to do that. I am not ready to declare that nursing isn't right for me? Until I find another path? Another goal?
Chi was here @ 5:01 PM
[ ]
I need to do some soul searching. I am not happy with myself.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Chi was here @ 9:33 PM
[ ]
We're never too young or old to learn life's greatest lessons... and the time is always right.
We only learn when we're ready to learn.
The truth is, we do get put down too much... the more frequently we hear something, the more likely we are to believe it.
I hear...and I forget.
I see...and I remember.
I do...and I understand.
Success means doing the best we can with what we have.
Success is in the doing, not the getting---in the trying, not the triumph. - Wynn Davis
We get old too quick and smart too late.
Life challenges us everyday to develop our capabilities to the fullest. We're successful when we reach for the highest within us---when we give the best we have.
Life doesn't require us to always come out on top. It asks only that we do our best at each level of experience.
Successful people accept life as it is, with all its difficulties and challenges. They adapt to it rather than complain about it. They accept responsibility for their own lives instead of blaming or making excuses. They say YES to life in spite of its negative elements and make the most of it, no matter what the circumstances.
Successful people develop and maintain a positive attitude toward life. They look for good in others and in the world, and usually seem to find it. They see life as a series of opportunities and possibilities, and always explore them.
Successful people build good relationships. They're sensitive to the needs and feelings of others. They're considerate and respectful. They have a way of bringing out the best in other people.
Successful people have a sense of direction and purpose---they know where they're going. They set goals, accomplish them, and then set new goals. They accept and enjoy challenges.
Successful people have a strong desire to learn: about life, the world, and themselves. They see learning as a joy, not a duty. They continually enrich their lives by learning new things and improving themselves. They are always discovering, always growing.
Successful people are action-oriented. They get things done because tey're not afraid of hard work, and they don't waste time. They use it in constructive ways. They don't get into ruts or beomce bored because they're too busy looking for new experiences.
Successful people maintain high standards in their personal conduct. THey know that honesty is one of the main ingredients in the character of a good person. They are consistently truthful in both their private and public lives.
Successful people understand the difference between existing and living, and always choose the latter. They get the most out of life because they put the most into it. They reap what they sow. And they enjoy life to the fullest.
The world will not devote itself to making us happy.
Life is difficult. Once we understand and accept it, we can live more effectively. Instead of moaning about our problems, we can look for ways to solve them. One of the main differences between those who succeed and those who fail can be found in how they approach life's difficulties.
Once we accept the fact that life is hard, we begin to grow. We begin to understand that every problem is also an opportunity. It is then that we dig down and discover what we're made of.
Things worth achieving don't come quickly or easily. They come with a price. They come as a result of time, effort, sacrifice, and pain. Because life is hard.
Pain is inevitable, but misery is optional.
When we get bogged down with some of the ordeals of life, we need a diversion. One of the best is humor.
Life is funny. There's comedy all around us. We just have to look for it.
That's what humor is: the unexpected, the out-of-character, the absurd.
Play is one of the most effective ways of simplifying life. It's what we did so often as children and too often forget to do later in life.
Laughter is the best medicine.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
We only learn when we're ready to learn.
The truth is, we do get put down too much... the more frequently we hear something, the more likely we are to believe it.
I hear...and I forget.
I see...and I remember.
I do...and I understand.
Success means doing the best we can with what we have.
Success is in the doing, not the getting---in the trying, not the triumph. - Wynn Davis
We get old too quick and smart too late.
Life challenges us everyday to develop our capabilities to the fullest. We're successful when we reach for the highest within us---when we give the best we have.
Life doesn't require us to always come out on top. It asks only that we do our best at each level of experience.
Successful people accept life as it is, with all its difficulties and challenges. They adapt to it rather than complain about it. They accept responsibility for their own lives instead of blaming or making excuses. They say YES to life in spite of its negative elements and make the most of it, no matter what the circumstances.
Successful people develop and maintain a positive attitude toward life. They look for good in others and in the world, and usually seem to find it. They see life as a series of opportunities and possibilities, and always explore them.
Successful people build good relationships. They're sensitive to the needs and feelings of others. They're considerate and respectful. They have a way of bringing out the best in other people.
Successful people have a sense of direction and purpose---they know where they're going. They set goals, accomplish them, and then set new goals. They accept and enjoy challenges.
Successful people have a strong desire to learn: about life, the world, and themselves. They see learning as a joy, not a duty. They continually enrich their lives by learning new things and improving themselves. They are always discovering, always growing.
Successful people are action-oriented. They get things done because tey're not afraid of hard work, and they don't waste time. They use it in constructive ways. They don't get into ruts or beomce bored because they're too busy looking for new experiences.
Successful people maintain high standards in their personal conduct. THey know that honesty is one of the main ingredients in the character of a good person. They are consistently truthful in both their private and public lives.
Successful people understand the difference between existing and living, and always choose the latter. They get the most out of life because they put the most into it. They reap what they sow. And they enjoy life to the fullest.
The world will not devote itself to making us happy.
Life is difficult. Once we understand and accept it, we can live more effectively. Instead of moaning about our problems, we can look for ways to solve them. One of the main differences between those who succeed and those who fail can be found in how they approach life's difficulties.
Once we accept the fact that life is hard, we begin to grow. We begin to understand that every problem is also an opportunity. It is then that we dig down and discover what we're made of.
Things worth achieving don't come quickly or easily. They come with a price. They come as a result of time, effort, sacrifice, and pain. Because life is hard.
Pain is inevitable, but misery is optional.
When we get bogged down with some of the ordeals of life, we need a diversion. One of the best is humor.
Life is funny. There's comedy all around us. We just have to look for it.
That's what humor is: the unexpected, the out-of-character, the absurd.
Play is one of the most effective ways of simplifying life. It's what we did so often as children and too often forget to do later in life.
Laughter is the best medicine.
Chi was here @ 11:22 PM
[ ]
Enjoy your life. Keep trying your best. Stay true to yourself. Move forward.
Chi was here @ 11:17 PM
[ ]
It's time to be bold about who you really are.
© 2008. Chi Nguyen, all rights reserved
It's time to be bold about who you really are.
You should understand that being different is fantastic. In fact, rejoice in all those things that make you different. Ultimately, it’s not how you look or what group you’re in that will determine your success in the world. I think you can carve new territory, you can do something completely out of the box, and if it is an act of love and goodness, it will be completely embraced---as bizarre as that may seem.
If you have faith in your real self, you’ll suffer less. You won’t waste valuable time that could be spent on more important things. There’s no time to waste. It’s time to be bold about who you really are.
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Life is short.
Life comes with no guarantees, no time outs, no second chances, you just have to live life to the fullest. Laugh as much as you can, spend all your money, tell someone what they mean to you, tell someone off, speak out, dare to be different, dance in the pouring rain, hold someone's hand, comfort a friend, pig out, fall asleep watching the sun come up, stay up late, smile until your face hurts. Don't be afraid to take chances or fall in love and most of all, live in the moment because when you look back someday, knowing you have no regrets it's going to be what makes you smile.
Have a good day!
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Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate, but that we are powerful beyond measure.
© 2008. Chi Nguyen, all rights reserved